The third part in a series about bringing our anxiety before The Blessed Sacrament
The first thing I want to do when the anxiety kicks in is run. This is why God asked me to sit with Him for thirty days and look at that. Having a trauma history makes things more complex, but nonetheless is an invitation to obedience.
Today was day 10 of my thirty-day journey to be still before The Blessed Sacrament and know that He is God. I can tell you like any muscle, it takes a while for spiritual muscles to develop too, which is why God has me on an active 30-day plan. If I could describe the first week in Adoration, I would say it was murky. But in almost finishing my second week, I have felt the veil of chaos begin to lift.
Without my knowing, God would use a conversation with a dear friend of mine to help me wade through the murky water of mental health madness.
In talking about my haphazard current state of being, I told my friend that in order to truly understand God, I’ve had to wrestle with Him; that it is in this wrestling that I hold on for dear life to get my blessing and that this reminds me of the promise of the Resurrection.
With that state of mind, I entered Adoration, I was here to fight for my mental health, discernment, and my blessing. And sitting before the Blessed Sacrament I felt it a little easier to breathe.
It was somewhere around twenty minutes in that I heard wisdom swirling around in my head. It was distinct, clear, a thought way too good to be coming from me. I could hear a voice whisper, “It’s awful because it’s not chaotic.” This is what brought me clarity.
In that aha moment I gasped. Could it be that I was so used to operating in chaos that stability was bringing me anxiety? That this was the cause of my anxiety?
I thought about my past jobs and relationships, the places I had been, and the trauma that I endured. I tried to remember a time when my life wasn’t consumed by toxicity. I have learned that trauma survivors often attract narcissists and the like who take advantage of their people-pleasing and kindness; I lived like that for far too many years.
Since leaving my past behind, God was designing a new way. The ground stable, chaos dissipating. This new land was unfamiliar to me, terrifyingly unfamiliar with its stillness and kindness. I was afraid of what I had never experienced, what I had never known.
Change of any kind is hard, but harder when trauma or any mental health-based issues are involved. I realize that I crave familiar and comfortable even if it’s bad. Because even if it’s bad, it’s predictable. This has the ring of the Exodus!
This Holy Spirit given knowledge was a game changer. I was done wrestling with God. I had to learn to now sit in this new land, stable ground, unchaotic, and be still. I also had to work on rebuilding my confidence that had been stripped from me.
If our intention is to face the anxiety without God, we are helpless. If we go into that chapel, arms open, shaking, crying, even lifting our fists demanding answers we will stay the course. I am in no way out of the clear in the rebuilding of my life but I am certainly clear in the direction. One day at a time.